thank you!
thank you for responding to my previous blog and making me feel special on my birthday with all your phone calls, e-mails and messages! Thank you for your affirmations and your encouragement! I didn't charge my phone the night before my birthday thinking that I probably won't be using it that much, but by the end of the day my phone ran out of battery! thanks for all the calls...=) It's been hard adjusting back to Toronto and you are all making a difference! Hope I get to talk to you soon. =)
don't know what to feel anymore...
I normally don't get to sit leisurely in front of the computer on a saturday, but this weekend is different. A lot of people are either busy or away for the long weekend, but for me, I have nothing much to do...and this is my birthday weekend.
It's not that I did things for others in return for something, but it is very disappointing to know that it's always one way but not the other. All year round I am busy with this birthday dinner, that birthday party, and I try to make sure that my friends' birthdays are taken care of. I think I spend more money on birthday gifts than gifts to myself. Now it's my turn and none but one friend asked to celebrate it with me. I can't help but to wonder...is it because I am simply not important enough to be remembered? How valuable a friend am I in other people's heart? Or is it because people are used to me "giving" and caring that they think it's "natural" that I give? Or do I just always seem so "busy" and independent that people think I won't be free for my own birthday celebration?
And then there is always the problem with parents. I am tired of pleasing them and always doing things to make them happy even though I am not happy. I am tired of struggling at this age just to stay at a friend's place later in the night to chat. I am tired of being told that they CARE and therefore can tell me what to do with my life. Am I ever going to be treated like an adult? Do I need to make them happy by foregoing my own space and boundaries?
I should stop this before I feel more and more upset...afterall, if people are upsetting you, you ought to think of ways to make yourself happy right?
long time no blog...
I haven't blogged for over a month...am I getting lazier or am I becoming less open? To say the least, living at home has definitely taken a toll on me and I am still adjusting to it, but the experience has also become part of a big learning process that I am still going through right now...
Over the past 2 months I have gone to 5 weddings, and there are 2 more to come. Everyone around me is getting engaged/married which makes me feel old...and turning 26 in 2 weeks doesn't help this feeling! I am closer to 30 than 20...which is a thought that is a little scary! So I have been thinking about how I can live my life to the fullest as a Christ follower, and how I can live as a happily single person in a world where marriage around late 20s is the norm. My MSN name has been "joyful jacqs" for the longest time, and I want to learn to be joyful and content in any and every situation, but the lesson is definitely not easy to learn. How does Paul do it??? What do you guys think?? I would love some feedback...
On a lighter note, it's been great hanging out with friends in TO and trying out new things on my own. I went to Centre Island last weekend with friends who went to China with me, and this weekend I went on a camping trip with church friends who grew up with me. I am learning how to rollerblade (hopefully without a lot of falls) and my UT friends are teaching me how to play poker. I am adjusting to a new church and a new job, and getting used to the responsibilities of being an "adult" in a working world.
I'm going to keep this short...but would love to hear back from you all! :) I'll try to update my thoughts/experiences more regularly...
the kodak moment
Here is the link to a picture of me crossing the finish line of my half marathon...you can tell that I was completely exhausted! =P
http://www.asiorders.com/view_user_photo.asp?S=20&EVENTID=10048&ID=23917370
I did it!!
A couple months ago I asked for your opinion about whether you think I can do a half marathon...and I DID IT!!! :) I ran the half marathon yesterday with 6720 others who particpated in the event and it was a great experience! I was 2 minutes faster than my goal time so I am happy. :) I must say that it was very challenging...the last 6 kilometres was very tough. Yesterday was hot to be running for 2.5 hours, and I have never run in such hot weather before. I was so tired when I reached the 15km sign and I remembered thinking to myself: "Man...will I be able to finish this?" The cheering crowd along the race course really helped me out, and I deeply felt the importance of encouragement during the race.Perseverance was key to the race. People running with me during the race also helped me persevere. I was ready to walk the rest of the race when there was 3km left, but I saw so many people running pass me, so I got myself to run again. Then the signs really helped me...especially the signs counting down the metres I had to run...1000m, 750m, 500m, 400m, 300m, 200m, 100m...FINISH! It was nice to finish the 1/2 marathon race...and now I need to concentrate on my life race. There is a goal ahead of me which I need to reach--my OT national exam in July--but I am still quite puzzled in terms of what my other life goals will be. I am somewhat impatient about not being able to find a hospital job and not being able to settle down in a church. Those were my 2 important things in life that I am still unsettled in. It'll be nice if I can run the life race like I did in the 1/2 marathon race...
Something to lighten up your day =)
I need space!!
I need space!!!
1) I need more space in my nasal cavity.
Lately my nose has been a non-stop tap and Kleenex has been my best friend. My nose will soon be as red, if not redder than Rudolph. When I wake up in the morning, I feel like my whole head is congested. Battling with allergies is not fun!!!
2) I need more mind space.
My mind hasn't rested since 9:30am today. I worked from 9:30, didn't get off work until 5. Then I have to pick up a friend and rush to tutor at 6:30. I got home at 9, had a quick dinner, then my parents were asking me to do things. As soon as I sat down, my phone rang. Just as I was about to take a breath, my phone rang again. It's 11:32pm and I am exhausted.
3) I need more physical space.
Living at home is not easy. I miss the days when I can go home and chat with friends. I miss the days when I don't need to deal with nagging. I miss the days when I have the freedom to organize my own schedule according to my own plans and not being told what to do. I need physical space from my parents in order to grow up. I need physical space from my parents to have a better relationship with them. Things are just not the best right now.
Lately I feel like garbage can that is full and is spilling. There are friends around me who needs to "unload", and i have been taking in and taking in to a point where I am full. Yes I feel privileged that friends trust me enough to unload, but I think it's a combination of parents + job search + tutoring at night + church search + no consistent support group + friend's crises that are causing me to feel BLAH...............I feel like screaming!! Can I have some space to breathe?
May His love touch you this Easter!
Dear friends, thank you once again for all your comments and support. I would like to share this clip as an appreciation of your friendship. Every time I watch this clip, my tears just wouldn't stop coming down. Hope this short clip will touch your heart this Easter. =)
can I vent?
First of all, I want to say THANK YOU for all your comments! I really appreciate that you took your time to visit my blog and leave your precious thoughts. =) I feel loved!!
Now I need to vent...I really miss my Kingston support, and I miss the times when I can just go home, talk to my housemates/friends and feel better. Now I feel like I am "trapped", and I have no one to talk to. I am so sick of not being able to communicate with my parents properly. I am so sick of feeling that I am not listened to. I am so sick of being forced to make decisions that are not what I want. I am sick and tired of things being phrased in "Christian" or "Godly" terms when they want to use this authority to pressure me to do things. Why is it that everytime I want to say something, I am not listened to? Why is it that I am always
wrong? Why is it that when I need understanding the most, I was told to do things in a certain way and "reflect"?
OK...I should stop...but thank you for reading/listening and putting up with my venting.
It's just a couch!
Last night I had a very weird dream. When I woke up I almost couldn't believe that it was just a dream. Normally I don't remember my dreams, but I remember this one because it was so different, so "weird".In my dream, I was suffering from a disease and I "died". I remembered the last minutes of my life with my family, and I remember asking Jesus to take my life when I was dying. After I died, I went to this other place where I saw a lot of familiar faces. I "floated" around and saw many people that I had encountered throughout my life. This place is not the "heaven" that I have imagined it to be...in fact it looks very similar to this world right now. I can't remember the details of what happened next...but one thing I remembered very clearly...before I "died", I was very concerned about diaries that I asked a friend to burn all my diaries. I didn't want anyone to read my diaries, as if I have things to hide and don't want anyone in this world to know. In the dream I was in fear before I "died"...I didn't feel very peaceful as I imagined I would be.That makes me wonder...am I ready to die right now? What if God takes my life tomorrow? Will I be ready to return to Him? Or will I be in fear because i have lots to hide and I haven't done enough for Him?Recently I ran by a sign outside a church that says:"What on earth are you doing for Heaven's sake?" ...which leads me to my next point. Today at the Meeting House the sermon is about living a simple life. This society teaches us otherwise. It wants us to think that when we look at a nice couch, it's not JUST a couch, but it's a C-O-U-C-H, and we need a very nice, brand new one. It doesn't matter whether we have a couch already, but we would need a better one, a more comfortable one. At this point you may be completely confused by this couch analogy...if you want to know more, feel free to listen to this clip: http://www.themeetinghouse.ca/media/2006-03-26-489-sermon.mp3.C.S. Lewis puts it this way: "If our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, I should say they are too small. There ought to be things we should like to do and cannot do because our charities expenditure excludes them."
