Growing flower

don't know what to feel anymore...

I normally don't get to sit leisurely in front of the computer on a saturday, but this weekend is different. A lot of people are either busy or away for the long weekend, but for me, I have nothing much to do...and this is my birthday weekend.

It's not that I did things for others in return for something, but it is very disappointing to know that it's always one way but not the other. All year round I am busy with this birthday dinner, that birthday party, and I try to make sure that my friends' birthdays are taken care of. I think I spend more money on birthday gifts than gifts to myself. Now it's my turn and none but one friend asked to celebrate it with me. I can't help but to wonder...is it because I am simply not important enough to be remembered? How valuable a friend am I in other people's heart? Or is it because people are used to me "giving" and caring that they think it's "natural" that I give? Or do I just always seem so "busy" and independent that people think I won't be free for my own birthday celebration?

And then there is always the problem with parents. I am tired of pleasing them and always doing things to make them happy even though I am not happy. I am tired of struggling at this age just to stay at a friend's place later in the night to chat. I am tired of being told that they CARE and therefore can tell me what to do with my life. Am I ever going to be treated like an adult? Do I need to make them happy by foregoing my own space and boundaries?

I should stop this before I feel more and more upset...afterall, if people are upsetting you, you ought to think of ways to make yourself happy right?

posted by Growing Flower @ 8/05/2006 01:10:00 p.m.